#5: Every Day Brings A New Climax

So today is the day that L returns and I discover the meaning of the clarity she has found. Regardless of how that turns out, simply going through this weekend has shown me something new in myself.

When she messaged me, she requested that I not contact her for a little longer so she could continue sorting out her feelings. We both have a lot of hurt and anger running in cords between us, wrapped up in all sorts of other hurts that have nothing to do with our relationship beyond the simple fact that we spent so much time enmeshed in each others lives. Untangling that thread and finding where it leads seems of paramount importance, even if I find the process incredibly uncomfortable.

But that’s the odd thing, really. I haven’t found the process uncomfortable. The lead-up was tense but she worked through that with me. To give a comparison, the last Panic Weekend came without warning and I could not stop calling her. I spent most of the weekend in an actual state of panic- nausea, sleeping issues, and overuse of text messaging ensued though at the time, I thought there had been a distinct threat to her safety.

Though I have once or twice had to consciously avoid the phone, this process of believing in her, in what she said, and in the importance of this time to her has gone fairly smoothly. Sure, I’m not ecstatic about the waiting or the silence. It hasn’t exactly been easy. In the end, I have been able to give her the space that she requested and it has not hurt to do it. There are some key differences between this and other “Panic Weekends” that I think have helped:

• We have clearly identified the boundaries of our relationship. We are a couple, we are monogamous, we love each other.
• We have attended therapy and have at least begun working through our communication dysfunction.
• It makes sense – we had just spent a large amount of time together in Japan. Needing to assess doesn’t feel like a bizarre disappearance from out of the blue.
• L explained to me what the point of this trip was and listened to me when I told her how it made me feel. Once she realized I wasn’t blaming her, she took the time to help me become comfortable with it.
• We had a nice date right before her departure. Nothing huge, just good couple time.
• Before she left, she emphasized her love for me.
• We have a plan for contact and her return, a compromising to help me feel more comfortable. Instead of it being an open-ended excursion, she agreed to send me a voice mail last night to update me on the status of her trip. She also agreed to make sure to come back today.
• She then kept that compromise, sending me a voice mail telling me how this is helping her and thanking me for understanding. As a bonus, she reiterated that she would see me today and told me she loved me.
• Between two birthday parties and this blog I did not have time to sit around and worry.
• I had started writing about us, taking some introspection time of my own.

For me, not contacting someone feels like trying out a new yoga pose after months of not working out. All the muscles are already weak and this specific one has just never seen use before. The truth is I love her and I want to become a partner that can give her what she needs. If I have to push my mental boundaries and learn how to accept the occasional silence, well maybe that is just some growing up I have to do.

Still the end of the day could reframe my entire view of things and balancing trust with the fear of being hurt will make this a long day.

The Saddest Song by Morphine

“My biggest fear is if I let you go, you’ll come and get me in my sleep.”

Linkage #1: The Simple Marriage Project

So it’s sunrise time through my window here. Out all night with my friends trying to keep myself busy, keep my commitment to giving her that space she needed by not calling, and as an added bonus celebrating a few birthdays.

Looking at the sunrise though, I’m just remind about how much I love holding her. When we get some more time I’m going to take her down to the beach, wake her up early in the morning with some fresh coffee and a plate of toasted bagels, sit her on the swinging porch, and hold her as the sun comes up. If she falls back asleep, that would be fine too. I think we’re both suckers for that sort of thing.

So I want to compile some links to the various relationship information I’d been reading and finding helpful. Maybe others will find it helpful. Maybe I’ll at least be able to find them again in one spot. Keep in mind many of these are for married couples and while that doesn’t apply to my situation, I still found them at least interesting.

So the first one is from the Simple Marriage Project possibly summed up in the brilliant line “As husbands, it is my contention that we should be fighting for the heart of our wife.”

The articles are often designed for both partners as opposed to some of the more husband oriented things I have been reading. A good portion are simple conversation techniques though it also includes some fairly exotic ideas to highlight the spice, connection, and love in a marriage.

A few choice articles:

• The Proper Use of the Tongue – This article contains the above quote and ideas for how to talk to and about your wife in a way that elevates her, your opinion of her, and blocks you connecting with other women.
• The Art of Marital Conversation – This one focuses on how to speak with your wife in a way that really builds the connection between you. I can’t remember where I read it but I read recently that sometimes it isn’t communication alone but concern and caring that helps save a relationship. This is about building both through observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. At the end it comes down to simple points of advice that clearly and elegantly described: focusing on your intention and seeking a compassionate connection with your other half.
• How to Have an Affair… With Your Spouse – This one is interesting. It is an idea to create the thrill of the chase within the context of the marriage by creating a secret affair with your spouse and gradually incorporating that energy into the marriage itself.

There will be a real post later today. My final thought is from xkcd and is something I considered perhaps the most romantic thing in the world (click the picture for the full size version):

#4 The Voicemail She Sent

Now is the part of this process where it becomes more challenging and I really need help with it, especially remembering that the outcome from this could result in the complete end of this relationship.

I received her voice mail today at 6:17 pm. The problem with a minuscule amount of communication like this is I tend to analyze it like an FBI profiler trying to find clues.

She says this has really been helping her. That’s good, right? I ended up deciding to leave a message with the therapist and post here again, anything to not break into her solo day.

She also said it is giving her clarity… that’s a very neutral thing. I don’t know what to make of that. Clarity about what, you know?

She’s going to bed early to night so I guess she is staying out wherever she ended up. Not knowing that really frightens the heck out of me.

She asked me not to call her because it is helping her to just have “me time.” I want to respect that and feel good about with this, like this isolation isn’t going to end in a total negation of all the effort we’ve put into this relationship in the past few weeks. I think I mentioned that article that discussed the importance of believing in the best in your spouse. Well, sometimes that is very nerve-wracking. No one wants to walk around believing to be blindsided at the end. I often read too much into these things though. Does this sound like just a simple request for more space?

Finally she says she’ll call me on her way back tomorrow… then she adds the word night. I wonder how this affects the us getting together plan tomorrow. The part that feels inconsiderate to me is that now I can’t make any plans if I want to be sure to see her. Will she be back at 5 pm or will it be midnight? Will she to what she said? I keep telling myself she will be considerate though I wonder.

She ends by saying she loves me. I think that is a good sign. Before she left she was emphatic about the fact that she loves, just uncertain if she can handle jump starting our relationship in the way we have.

If she’s felt claustrophobic, it certainly makes sense. We went from hanging out once or twice a week and nightly phone conversations to two weeks of seeing each other pretty much every day (including one week long trip to a non-English speaking foreign country to share a tiny hotel room). If she just needs space, she just needs space.

But am I setting myself up to have a horrible surprise tomorrow by accepting this? Should I contact her once for reassurance or do as she asks and let it ride till tomorrow? So I turn to you, few readers who have glanced at this page since its inception this morning. If this is a signpost, where does it seem to be pointing? What do you think?

#3: U-Boats – A Metaphor for Waiting

Sometimes the waiting game feels sort of like being in a World War II submarine movie- hunkered down under the depths of the ocean trying to figure out where you’re going from tiny pings of radar, unsure of how near or far anyone else really is, and stir-crazy from watching minutes filled with mindless pursuits tick past hopefully leading to greater things.

In relation to the current exercise in our relationship- this idea that she go off on her own for a day to sort out her feelings, it seems an apt metaphor for me. Our last contact was last night- similar to getting the map out and setting a heading before sinking under the waves and starting to move. Our scheduled reunion is tomorrow, the destination on the map I believe I’ve pointed properly toward. In between is one promised voice mail message- a ping on the radar to reassure me that the course is correct.

Between now and then I have the hours filled- tasks, a movie as well as a friend’s party to attend. None of this presents me from worrying that when we meet up again it’ll be for the last time. Last time she needed time like this she told me it would be okay but that was before she new that I wanted a real relationship with her, before two sessions of couples therapy, before we’d once more become a functioning monogamous couple. She went out of her way to reassure me, holding back her frustration with my fear most of the time. I take that as a positive sign. I’ve got a little slip of paper like an actual map to help me hold the course till tomorrow- something I’ve never really realized having in this relationship before. I can look down at it and hear her voice telling me how it will be okay, even if I have trouble reading her handwriting at times. Maybe that’s what we needed to get through the hard times?

Looking over this, the only thing I could have and would have done differently so far is to have talked about this venture in therapy. The therapist might have said, “Red flag! Don’t do it!” or alternatively “Ok. This is how to do it.” Either way I feel like going through this with therapeutic guidance would have been good, at least for where L and I are right now. I’m debating whether to leave a message with therapist about this. I know I tend to overstress about such things but the history of these sorts of submarine days makes me worry- the reason I’m referring to this as a Panic Weekend despite the fact that I at least feel somewhat calm.

heart travelling underwater (from the Travelpod forums posted by Sianeth)

#1: Everything Will Be Alright

Life starts in medias res… while I’d hoped to start this record of our journey through therapy from a healthy calm starting point in the fast paced relationship I live in I never seem to find a good starting point. So quick summary:

8 years together, a breakup, a second chance starting on a weird note, a decision that if we’re going to do this again we need to engage in a serious upgrade in our communicate skills. So one quick web search and a few days late we find ourselves in therapy with a pleasant lady and at least a bit of hope that we can work things out. Follow up with one hyper-speed whirlwind vacation in Japan then mix, pour, and drink.

Of course such a vacation in the early stages of getting back together is going to be both lovely and stressful. I walked out of it confident that we’d at least started on the right path to using the communication skills we’d started working with in our first session though recognizing this is going to be a process, possibly a very long process. She was more concerned. Thursday night she said that she needed a day to herself to sort things through- understandable and reasonable. Friday was a solid session focusing on us understanding where we both were emotionally.

The details of her weekend frighten me though- midnight to midnight communication blackout. She’s going to just drive and stop somewhere to paint or draw. If she likes where she is she may stay a second day or she may not. When she comes back she hopes to know whether or not she wants to continue trying on this long road to turning what we have into a healthy relationship for both of us.

She assures me this is only to sort out her feelings though I find little comfort in waiting for a phone call that could very will be “I love you but I don’t want to work through this.” Considering all the effort and positive shift we’ve had lately, I’m hopeful but I’m also afraid.

She promises me a voice mail tonight just to let me know how she is and that she’ll be back tomorrow- these were compromises to help me be less scared. I hope when she returns she has found a faith in this relationship. I know at this point it is a fragile thing and we both are nervous that the other is going to turn around to surprise us by leaving. All I can hope is that everything will be alright.

Everything Will Be Alright by The Killers

#2: Motivations

So I guess as I start writing about trying to save this relationship should engage in some introspection about my motivations for doing so. To publicly express something so personal as the road I’m on with L is a large step. I have read a few blogs by others and wondered exactly why they are writing on the web instead of in a private journal.

Possibilities:

• Showing off how I right I am. This certainly wouldn’t be a healthy use of the blog- trying to get affirmation from others about being correct or commiserating. In truth, that is not what I want but I think at times it is human nature to seek such things.
• Show other people how therapy helped us. I think the noble path would be a nice reason to write this blog and there is merit in knowing the stories of others when doing such a path. That said, while if I asked I would give this answer I’m not certain it is the real reason.
• Emotion. I think this is the real reason- I’m simply in a state of extreme agitation about this whole experience and have been from day one. I spent most of the past few days so emotional that I was unable to eat. Writing has helped calm me down despite today seeming to be the most stressful yet. That said, if this is the reason why I am writing this the logical response is why not just write it in a journal and keep it private? I do not have a good answer for that.
• To figure out what works and what doesn’t. This seems effective- rather than focusing on the bad feelings from the past between L and I, focusing on what is helping us forge an effective future. I like this idea and I think it’ll help me be less negative when I think about her.
• A celebration of our success. Optimism works! Well at least that’s what I’ve been told.
• Organization. WordPress’s archiving features make it easy to tag my responses and see how my feelings on specific topics change over time. That would be a pretty pathetic reason but as a detailed oriented guy who takes pleasure in using Excel, it certainly is a possibility.

In the end I really can’t say why I’m writing this online. It just feels like the right choice.

Brilliant Disguise by Bruce Springsteen

“I want to know if it is you I don’t trust, cuz I damn sure don’t trust myself”