I don’t usually like to quote someone else for my title, but after meeting with L yesterday I can think of no better words to describe how I see her. Yesterday, after vacillating for a month, she decided that she wanted to be with me for real. Yet, as usual when we try to get back together, there is a wrinkle.
In agreeing to talk to her, even though I really made the decision to let her go on Sunday, I sat down and carefully looked at my boundaries. I thought out my standards and I had a long cross country discussion with the therapist (she’s currently in California on vacation- I think she needs to take another one after helping me). I reread some posts from Getting Past Your Past. I decided to focus on this list from Susan’s article on five platitudes which I hope she won’t mind if I repeat here:
You get what you put up with.
Hungry people make poor shoppers. In this case meaning if you’re hungry for love you may chose poorly.
The “one” will never stop loving you. I had trouble with this one since I know that I’ve left her, but maybe that meant something too.
In order to find the right person, you need to be the right person. One thing I’ve been focusing on is becoming a better person than I am.
Love is an action. It doesn’t matter what you say, it matters what you do.
So, in looking at that list, I decided to focus on the final one. I know that since L and I first decided to get back together I have been doing that action but had she? At times, yes. Though in a way she has left me three times in the past month. I went into the the discussion open minded but cautious. I couldn’t give her a leap of faith but maybe there was room to let this grow.
Then came that wrinkle I foreshadowed. Her ex, the one she had seen for a few months in between us breaking up and getting back together, had reappeared last Saturday. With no job, no place to stay, and a pocketful of sweet words, he has been crashing on her couch for three days. She denies that he is dangerous, but everything she ever told me about him paints the picture of an abusive and ugly situation. He seems to be one of those people that, if she were trying to build boundaries and find herself as a person, would keep crashing those boundaries just so he can control the situation.
I want to support her in this challenging time but even she sees that it is bizarre. I’m not sure I can handle being with someone who would welcome that sort of stress back into her life without the ability to say no. She says that he is going to be gone by today then we’ll talk. She needs to tell him face to face and hope he’ll leave- something I think is incredibly dangerous. I had hoped she would involve the police (since he basically followed her to find out where she lived) or at least have a friend around when she did it, but she has chosen her path and there is nothing I can do to alter it. I can only decide if I can be around to help pick up the pieces after this piece of self-inflicted misery. I hope she finds the strength to start building her boundaries. All her life she has let people, even me, walk on her in ways that are inappropriate. I tried to help her build them but in the end, those boundaries are something you can only build for yourself.
On to the song: Girl by Tori Amos
“She’s been everybody else’s girl. Maybe one day she’ll be her own.”
Two days later and I have touched base with L concerning the nature of the “break” that we were discussing. As seems to be the case with the work week, I’ve watched her enthusiasm and warmth deteriorate from Monday to Friday leaving me questioning if this is even worth it.
When we met on Monday to talk, she was warm, cuddly, and over time became comfortable with both talking and some minor touching- even ending the conversation with a hug despite my last words being a clear example of “foot in mouth” disease.
On Wednesday when we discussed the idea of a break without a breakup, she continued to seem positive though she was overwhelmed with thoughts of work and her current housing situation. I know she isn’t really available to discuss emotional issues related to me right now so I felt we had to get it out of the way. In the end, while she doesn’t feel optimistic about anything, she at least felt more optimistic about the idea of us taking a break.
Thursday I met with my therapist who confirmed that, while I certainly had an agenda in talking to her (obviously I appear to want us together), I was primarily respectful and non-coercive in the interchange. It seemed when she agreed to the break, she made a choice as opposed to being talked into it.
Today, we enter the discussion of how best to confront this period. In the interest of keeping the conversation short I summed it up:
1) Since we’re on a break, I won’t initiate contact with you too often. Unless you tell me otherwise I’ll stick to just emailing you occasionally at work. I’m not sure how often is too often for you to feel comfortable. I’d like to hear from you every so often since I care about you.
2) For the next month, we won’t see each other unless you initiate it.
3) We won’t see other people – to me that means dating, kissing, etc.
4) In a month, we’ll talk about where we both are. At that point it might be
You don’t feel that way about me and you know for certain.
You feel that way about me and want to work through things.
You feel that way about me but can’t work through them yet and need more time.
You still aren’t sure and need more time.
Until that point I won’t talk to you about that unless you want to have that conversation.
She liked the idea though she replied with this one caveat: that she thinks we should date other people to help us narrow whether we really want to be together or not.
Earlier in our conversation, she mentioned the idea that maybe I would be happier searching for someone out there just like her only an English major who I have more in common with. There may be other people out there though to me she is a special and unique person. I love the way she complements me rather than copies me, it is something I have learned to appreciate over time. I told her this.
Personally, I have dated and seen what I need to of the singles world. She has stated she feels that she can’t offer stability and maybe this is an effort to let me move on slowly. Maybe she wants to see more people and compare herself.
However, we told each other when we first got back together that on every date we went on in the past nine months, we had both wished we had been together instead. I wonder if this could be some subconscious test, an offer to see how reliable my love really is. After what we have put each other through in the past nine months, I at times feel like I need to duplicate the quest of Yvain, who having indulged his pride and ego had to quest and labor to prove his love for Laudine. That said, Laudine had to learn to abandon her pride and accept him for who he was before they could be together as well.
Current Emotional Panic Meter (10 being outlandishly gone): 3 (but a little less hopeful about my prospects with L)
Thank you so much for those of you who showed concern when I didn’t post yesterday. Between the work and the stress I had to focus on some non-expression and part of that involved posting on the blogs of others instead of my own. Your concern means a lot to me.
I think the most helpful info was what Azucena point out from Getting Past Your Past about what to do when the person you love doesn’t love you.” The thing I took from that post was that if she doesn’t love me then I need to move on. But I also decided that if she does love me that way, then maybe I should give her the time to work through the hurt from back when I left her. We’re working out the details of that today.
The therapist advises the following for a break:
Outline specific expectations
How long is the break
How often is contact okay
Can you see other people
More will come later. I’m hoping for the energy to post when I return from work today. I’ve still had quite a bit of catch up from my leave of absence from work. Right now she seems confused about what she wants- she’s saying she loves me but she’s not sure she can work through the hurt or where she’ll be when she’s done. My thought is for the committed break while she works through her issues but this has to be a two way decision.
I told her I want the cycle of us loving then denying love to end one way or the other. One day she will work through the hurt and on that day I want to be there with her, but only if she feels the same. I could convince her to think my way, but for the sake of my future happiness and hers this needs to be mutual.
Today I am meeting L to talk a little about our relationship and the ending or unending of it. I’m not really sure what it is going to entail. The thing is I feel like, instead of going unarmed and needy, I have the support of the entire wordpress community that reminded me to value myself and make sure that this is a two way street. I’m prepared to walk in and walk away. I’m prepared to walk in and give her some space to work through her issues. I’m prepared to rebuild it with the help of a therapist and some clear expectations. Most importantly, I’m prepared to value myself.
Still, I feel like I’m about to stick my head in the mouth of a lion. This is going to be one of the scariest conversations I could ever have. At least I’m not going in like Ryan Gosling did when he looked like a hobo in that movie before ravishing Rachel McAdams. Yes ladies, I did watch the Notebook. I also enjoyed it. Plus, I’m straight.
Back to the point, I feel like I’ve prepared for this conversation for years and am just dreading the moments even as I yearn to talk to her again. I must face the fear of loneliness with the twin blades of self-respect and standards and see if she wants to stand by my side.
Current Emotional Panic Level (10 being “look out world”): 4
Mostly thanks to the support of friends, family, and fellow bloggers.
I’m going to take a break from the current excitement and drama going on with my communication with L to note some appreciation for a good friend of mine. “H” is the guy who, when he received a message from me at eleven pm Sunday night a week ago that i was dumped, was in my living room with a guitar and a stack of dvds by midnight. We were joined later by another buddy of mine as well, who shall be named “C.” The point is, all night long I kept mentioning this idea of a misery journey which I had read about here in Maritza Campos’s College Roomies From Hell comic:
Well last Saturday, H called me up and said, “Hey let’s go look at guitars.” My response was less than stellar. He followed with, “How about a movie?” Again, no. Then it hit me what I needed- which was what this oh so brave friend of mine was furtively trying to do. I said, “H, drag me out of the house and show me something wonderful.” His response: “I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
So he suck me in the passenger seat, we rocked out to bad music, ate some discount Korean food, and wandered aimlessly. Unlike the above comic strip, alcohol was thankfully not involved. We kept checking the clock since we had commitments but every time he asked me if I was ready to go home I said, “I want to see something beautiful.” So we drove with no destination.
The end of the day found us looking at the ocean from a pier under construction, with newly built fountains bursting all around us. The sun reflected from water’s skin on to the side of the barges and sailboats already eager to anchor themselves on the very bit of flimsy wood where we stood. It wasn’t Everest, it wasn’t the Cliffs of Dover. It was local, yes, but it was beautiful.
Everything that day reminded me of her but in a strange way. It wasn’t in a “this feels like her” way. Instead, it was a “she’s really missing out by not being here. She would have loved this. I would have loved it if she were here with me, but I still love this.” I felt freed by the salt sea tinged wind blowing through my face as I missed her. It didn’t free me from the grief but this misery journey was anything but miserable. It helped me see that there is still pleasure in the world even if she doesn’t want to share it with me. Plus, it ended much better than the misery journey in the comic strip I referenced did:
Note the lack of tentacles and the distinct avoidance of the phrase “living hell” used in my description of my misery journey. Anyway, the point is if you’re down get out there with your friends. Do something. Ask them to show you something wonderful. They may not vanish with you for a week of wild adventure but even a day out in the sun seeing something you’ve never seen before may ease the heart a bit. Last Saturday it worked for me. So thanks, H.
Current Emotional Panic Meter (10 being maxed out anxiety): 4 (calm for writing the post, high thanks to the joys of my first day back at work since the break up)
Sometimes you need to celebrate the little victories.
If you’ve been reading for a few days you’ve noticed I started adding a little number (rated out of 10) at the bottom of my posts. This is an old technique from my more intensive therapy days. About five years ago I went through some intensive obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) therapy. Of course, L was by my side the whole time.
One of the techniques I learned was to simply keep a running gauge of how “un-ok” I am- a rating of my anxiety, stress, or panic. It could represent in a variety of ways but the idea was that at around 5 it starts to impact my day to day functioning. At 10 I should probably be really worried. Ever since Sunday night, when I first received L’s email, I have been averaging a 6 or 7.
Two days ago waiting for an elevator pushed me up to an 8. Wednesday night I was able to stay at a stable 5 long enough to enjoy a movie. Walking into the office to run a meeting today may have pushed me up to a 7 for awhile but I am very proud to announce I am currently at a 3, the calmest I have been all week.
While yesterday held a steady 5-6 range most of the day I prefer having this nice dip down 3 even if I ride back up.
I cite a number of different sources that helped to bring it back down that low:
Eating and sleeping. I kept forgetting to do these till I got myself down to a 6.
No alcohol. I tried it the night after I got the email and all it did was give me nightmares.
Lots of hugs from my friends. Hugs are like homeopathic sedatives.
I spoke with my boss at work and resolved most of the anxiety that taking the leave had been causing. It’s nice to have a boss who believes in you no matter what.
Conversations with my friends and therapists as needed. Most of the time they pick and aren’t too annoyed when I repeat the same comments about how much I miss her.
Three words: xanax, xanax, and xanax.
My first solo session with the therapist, who helped me come to terms with some of L’s cognitive dissonance about the relationship (you’ll hear more about this later, I’m sure).
Getting out in the sunshine, at least for a little bit.
Watching my complete Neon Genesis Evangelion box set (though you may prefer something less animated and violent for your therapeutic viewing pleasure).
So today is the day that L returns and I discover the meaning of the clarity she has found. Regardless of how that turns out, simply going through this weekend has shown me something new in myself.
When she messaged me, she requested that I not contact her for a little longer so she could continue sorting out her feelings. We both have a lot of hurt and anger running in cords between us, wrapped up in all sorts of other hurts that have nothing to do with our relationship beyond the simple fact that we spent so much time enmeshed in each others lives. Untangling that thread and finding where it leads seems of paramount importance, even if I find the process incredibly uncomfortable.
But that’s the odd thing, really. I haven’t found the process uncomfortable. The lead-up was tense but she worked through that with me. To give a comparison, the last Panic Weekend came without warning and I could not stop calling her. I spent most of the weekend in an actual state of panic- nausea, sleeping issues, and overuse of text messaging ensued though at the time, I thought there had been a distinct threat to her safety.
Though I have once or twice had to consciously avoid the phone, this process of believing in her, in what she said, and in the importance of this time to her has gone fairly smoothly. Sure, I’m not ecstatic about the waiting or the silence. It hasn’t exactly been easy. In the end, I have been able to give her the space that she requested and it has not hurt to do it. There are some key differences between this and other “Panic Weekends” that I think have helped:
We have clearly identified the boundaries of our relationship. We are a couple, we are monogamous, we love each other.
We have attended therapy and have at least begun working through our communication dysfunction.
It makes sense – we had just spent a large amount of time together in Japan. Needing to assess doesn’t feel like a bizarre disappearance from out of the blue.
L explained to me what the point of this trip was and listened to me when I told her how it made me feel. Once she realized I wasn’t blaming her, she took the time to help me become comfortable with it.
We had a nice date right before her departure. Nothing huge, just good couple time.
Before she left, she emphasized her love for me.
We have a plan for contact and her return, a compromising to help me feel more comfortable. Instead of it being an open-ended excursion, she agreed to send me a voice mail last night to update me on the status of her trip. She also agreed to make sure to come back today.
Between two birthday parties and this blog I did not have time to sit around and worry.
I had started writing about us, taking some introspection time of my own.
For me, not contacting someone feels like trying out a new yoga pose after months of not working out. All the muscles are already weak and this specific one has just never seen use before. The truth is I love her and I want to become a partner that can give her what she needs. If I have to push my mental boundaries and learn how to accept the occasional silence, well maybe that is just some growing up I have to do.
Still the end of the day could reframe my entire view of things and balancing trust with the fear of being hurt will make this a long day.
Sometimes the waiting game feels sort of like being in a World War II submarine movie- hunkered down under the depths of the ocean trying to figure out where you’re going from tiny pings of radar, unsure of how near or far anyone else really is, and stir-crazy from watching minutes filled with mindless pursuits tick past hopefully leading to greater things.
In relation to the current exercise in our relationship- this idea that she go off on her own for a day to sort out her feelings, it seems an apt metaphor for me. Our last contact was last night- similar to getting the map out and setting a heading before sinking under the waves and starting to move. Our scheduled reunion is tomorrow, the destination on the map I believe I’ve pointed properly toward. In between is one promised voice mail message- a ping on the radar to reassure me that the course is correct.
Between now and then I have the hours filled- tasks, a movie as well as a friend’s party to attend. None of this presents me from worrying that when we meet up again it’ll be for the last time. Last time she needed time like this she told me it would be okay but that was before she new that I wanted a real relationship with her, before two sessions of couples therapy, before we’d once more become a functioning monogamous couple. She went out of her way to reassure me, holding back her frustration with my fear most of the time. I take that as a positive sign. I’ve got a little slip of paper like an actual map to help me hold the course till tomorrow- something I’ve never really realized having in this relationship before. I can look down at it and hear her voice telling me how it will be okay, even if I have trouble reading her handwriting at times. Maybe that’s what we needed to get through the hard times?
Looking over this, the only thing I could have and would have done differently so far is to have talked about this venture in therapy. The therapist might have said, “Red flag! Don’t do it!” or alternatively “Ok. This is how to do it.” Either way I feel like going through this with therapeutic guidance would have been good, at least for where L and I are right now. I’m debating whether to leave a message with therapist about this. I know I tend to overstress about such things but the history of these sorts of submarine days makes me worry- the reason I’m referring to this as a Panic Weekend despite the fact that I at least feel somewhat calm.
Everything Will Be Alright – A Journey To The Center Of The Self 