#15: The Horrible Epiphany of Love

There is a popular quote from the Bible involving the idea of thinking like a child when you are a child and thinking like man when you are a man. When I left L way back in the summer of 2007 I loved her like a child, selfishly. How often did she help with the dishes? Would she come out with my friends?

As I left her, I resolved to be single for a year and to truly experience the life of adult dating I’d never had since we’d been together so long. So I went out and dated. I danced a bit, drank a bit, and acted like a fool. I made some mistakes and then made a few more.

Then I one day I saw her again. I don’t remember the circumstances. I think I was bringing her a cake for her birthday. Maybe it was earlier. Maybe it was later. We sat in the back seat of my car eating a gourmet chocolate creme pie with plastic forks and she told me that I was the only person who gave her a meaningful gift on her birthday. That was when I knew. From that point forward I just had to get comfortable with the idea. Monogamy was a scary thing for me.

A month ago I sat down with her to talk about where we were headed. We’d been on dates but not dating. We’d cuddled all night long and run around with both of our sets of friends. She’d vanished for a few days and come back. We sat on the floor of her bedroom as she told me about her other boyfriend that she had left.

In that moment, I realized it didn’t matter what she’d done or what she’d do. At any point in time in the future, if she changed or if she aged, if all her limbs fell off and I could never make love to her again, no matter what I would always love her. I loved her like a man, by what I could I give to her, instead of like a child, with what she could bring me.

After I left her she tried to tell me but I couldn’t listen, for I was still a child. She’s told me I changed lately in a way she didn’t quite understand. In my time I loved her selfishly and it took those months away from her to realize how to love her selflessly. I wanted couples therapy to show me how to talk to her in the way she deserved and to help me get through my feelings of inadequacy. The biggest change in me was the realization that I can handle just one woman, just one life, that I don’t need the wild single adventure I thought I’d been longing for. The biggest change was the epiphany
of my unconditional love for her, made horrible now that she must go on her own journey without me.

#14: Three is a magic number

Sometimes you need to celebrate the little victories.

If you’ve been reading for a few days you’ve noticed I started adding a little number (rated out of 10) at the bottom of my posts. This is an old technique from my more intensive therapy days. About five years ago I went through some intensive obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) therapy. Of course, L was by my side the whole time.

One of the techniques I learned was to simply keep a running gauge of how “un-ok” I am- a rating of my anxiety, stress, or panic. It could represent in a variety of ways but the idea was that at around 5 it starts to impact my day to day functioning. At 10 I should probably be really worried. Ever since Sunday night, when I first received L’s email, I have been averaging a 6 or 7.

Two days ago waiting for an elevator pushed me up to an 8. Wednesday night I was able to stay at a stable 5 long enough to enjoy a movie. Walking into the office to run a meeting today may have pushed me up to a 7 for awhile but I am very proud to announce I am currently at a 3, the calmest I have been all week.

While yesterday held a steady 5-6 range most of the day I prefer having this nice dip down 3 even if I ride back up.

I cite a number of different sources that helped to bring it back down that low:

• Eating and sleeping. I kept forgetting to do these till I got myself down to a 6.
• No alcohol. I tried it the night after I got the email and all it did was give me nightmares.
• Lots of hugs from my friends. Hugs are like homeopathic sedatives.
• I spoke with my boss at work and resolved most of the anxiety that taking the leave had been causing. It’s nice to have a boss who believes in you no matter what.
• Conversations with my friends and therapists as needed. Most of the time they pick and aren’t too annoyed when I repeat the same comments about how much I miss her.
• Three words: xanax, xanax, and xanax.
• My first solo session with the therapist, who helped me come to terms with some of L’s cognitive dissonance about the relationship (you’ll hear more about this later, I’m sure).
• Getting out in the sunshine, at least for a little bit.
• Watching my complete Neon Genesis Evangelion box set (though you may prefer something less animated and violent for your therapeutic viewing pleasure).
• Of course, writing this blog and reading others has helped immensely. Shout outs to:Sanityfound, nkartist06, Getting Past Your Past, The World Observed, and Send Them To An Island. Breaking 100 views was nice too.
• Did I mention my friends and family yet?
• Finally, being able to finally sleep through the night. That’s a real big one.

I still hold on to the hope that she’ll come back but at least I’m starting to be prepared for the alternative. So I proudly pronounce that:

My Current Emotional Panic Level is 3

Maybe it won’t last all night but it is nice to at least feel the calm for a moment.

#13: A Love Letter Long Past Due

Dear L,

At the moment there is only one thing I want to do. I have the day off and you don’t have to leave for work for another 30 minutes. I’ve already made coffee. We’ll sit on the balcony and drink it, along with the scones I picked up at Whole Foods. I want to watch the morning sunlight with you and hold your hand. I know you have a busy day ahead of you. Maybe tonight, when you come home, we can spend a quiet evening on the couch watching that movie you rented. If we’re feeling energetic, I still have that coupon for a free dessert at the Melting Pot. You know, the one where every table is secluded so I can kiss you between courses and no one will see. Either way, I just want to be with you. This is the kind of love I showed in the past few months. Isn’t this the love we wanted? I know you’re scared to trust me but we can make it. We love each other and love being together. The years I lived with you were the best of my life. Let’s spend the rest of our lives together.

Yours,

-Symbolicgodzilla

Current Emotional Agitation (out of 10): 8.5

#12: Things Forgotten

Well, I’ve broken 100 visits to this blog. Thank you readers. I hope you find what you read helpful, enjoyable, or at least occasionally funny. Thanks for the encouragement. While this story hasn’t gone the way I hoped, starting it has kept me sane through this process. I’d love to hear your thoughts. On to the post:

In the midst of dealing with the pain of losing L, I’ve let many things slip. I just recently logged on to my work email, for example, and realized how many projects will be screaming for attention when I return to work. That’s right, I haven’t been working this week. When I realized I couldn’t handle the frustration of having burnt toast emerge from my toaster, I contacted my therapist who advised me to take some time off.

I still have all the souvenirs I picked up after my trip to Japan with L strewn across the basement floor. Somehow putting them away feels like a form of saying goodbye that I’m not quite ready for yet. At one point I even found updating the blog to stressful. Also, I’m running out of pants.

It turns out this isn’t as un-ok as I thought it was. I was scared of losing connection to reality, sure that I would sit here thinking only about L. Of course, I’ve written a number of posts about her here but I’ve also burned through old fantasies in an attempt to ready my thoughts for whatever is ahead. All of which reminds me of the latest xkcd:

In the midst of it, I’ve found a decrease in crying, panicked messages to friends, and midnight phone calls to my therapist. Okay, so I recognize there is a long road ahead. The big question I don’t want to deal with right now is: work tomorrow? Part of me recognizes the need to struggle through this and get back to normalcy though another part sees the need to ponder a bit more and sort myself out before facing the maelstrom a return to the office will bring.

Current Emotional Panic Meter Score (out of 10): 7 (though calmer for writing this post. Maybe I’ll do some laundry.)

#11: Here’s to a speedy recovery

One particular blog I’ve been reading often during the past few days is Getting Past Your Past. Since getting past the past is one thing L and I never seemed to be able to do, this is functioning as a sort of balm for me. The author has written a number of articles about the importance of mutual respect in a relationship. You can find them here and here.

I’ve been looking back over my relationship with L and realizing there were many times that we did not have that mutual respect and appreciation. At various times in the relationship, instead of caring and showing concern, we were more willing to treat each other like this:

This comic from Garfield minus Garfield shows us a John Arbuckle in need of support from his partner. While he may be needy, clingy, and decidedly unhip his partner should still appreciate and respect his needs and him as person. That, of course, is something neither Ellen nor Garfield were ever willing to give him.

For most for most of the time in my relationship with L, we both felt disrespected and unloved. For me, a standout time was back after we graduated from college and I could finally afford decent food. I gained weight and crossed the 200 pound mark for a little while. She had said to me that she was thinking of ending things because of the weight. Now, I’d be worried if the beanstalk boy of 120 pounds I’d started dating mushroomed up 200 in two years, but I don’t think that love would not say nothing during the process and then turn around with those words. I’ve luckily since shaved a good amount of that off but the scars from that comment still linger when I wear a tight t-shirt.
When we got back together, I forgave her all of those things, but that forgiveness had to be a two way street for us to really have a chance. The same goes for respect, love, and appreciation in any relationship someone might have. So here’s to next time… that’s the thought that keeps me going.

Current Emotional Agitation Level (out of 10): 6

#10: A New Story About Love

L was gracious enough to come to a final session of couples and explain everything. In the end it didn’t explain the main thing: how could we feel so differently about what has happened between us in the last few weeks. How could two people who seemed to love each other so much suddenly so grossly misinterpret each other?

I’ve chosen to continue on with the therapist solo because I’m taking this breakup very hard. I can’t seem to care about anything: work, school, food, showers, putting words together that sound interesting, or even network television. I’ll admit I never cared much for the last though.

So there are two stories this blog could become. One is the story of how I get through this and come to see our relationship for the farce it was. I’d hope it ends with me working through my issues with the support of my friends, family, and therapist till I can go out there and meet someone new.

The other is basically the same story but it involves her missing me so much that she finally remembers the good times we had as well as the bad. There were so many good times and I’m probably going to right about them with tears in my eyes at some point. That said, right now all I hear could hear her talk about was the bad. But maybe, just maybe, at some point in the future she’ll remember how much I cared for her and how I’m still working on changing the critical judgmental sides of myself and come back to me.

I want to care about other people. I want to stop feeling like a monster every time I think of our relationship. Right now, though I’m filled with anxiety and lack of hope. I think the most empowering thing I’ve read recently is Nkartist06’s post about getting through issues. I’d love to be able to do the same though I am overwhelmed with the twin anxieties of realizing how wonderful and challenging this relationship had been and the fear that I will also never truly be able to connect with someone else.

Hopefully I’ll be back on track soon and be able to start writing this new story.

#9: Un-therapy

In twenty minutes L has agreed to meet me for a final bout of couples therapy as antidote to the terse email she sent me on Sunday night. It seems the core of her reasons is she can’t forgive me for what I did when I broke up with her last summer. I guess it makes sense.

I just wish how wrong that felt and how much I love her could make a difference. I don’t want the money back or the letters. I just want her. More on this after it happens.

#8: Even a funeral in a movie reminds me of her

In a vain effort to keep my mind off of L’s email I had a few friends over to watch some movies. In one there was a funeral for the grandfather character shown in shades of gray and rain on the camera.

It brought me back to the day I reconciled with her mom five years ago. We had not really ever gotten along but for some reason weren’t speaking. At her grandfather’s funeral I was there every step of the way for her family. The process was a hard one and the lead up to his passing was long and slow. On the day of the burial as we were walking out, I hugged her mom. It was that simple. I was a part of their family.

For almost nine years we were a couple. No, more than a couple. We’ve stood with each other through some of the darkest and happiest periods of each others lives. When last summer I chose to end that, feeling that we had grown so distant, part of me thought it was just some time apart and part of me thought I should move on to something better. It took a year for me to realize that for me, there was no better. That whenever I go to bed she is the one I want to hold, when I sleep I want her next to me, and when I wake up I want to brush her hair out of her face and kiss her. There is no movie I could watch alone that wouldn’t be enhanced by watching it with her, no band I could see in concert that wouldn’t become more fun with her dancing by my side. She is quite simply one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met and I never told her.

She chased me for sixth months trying to remind me of the good times and I refused to listen. Like she seems to be doing now, I focused solely on the bad.

For too long we kept making painful choices. Now, when my friend told me Saturday that we have too much history for her to simply turn her back on, I had to reply that history is what is doing the damage. We weren’t able to let go of it and move on to trusting each other. At times I couldn’t, this time she can’t. It doesn’t matter who in the end could not trust, only that we could never trust and try at the same time. Now I have lost her.

The couples therapist says that it was nothing I did this week or this month that drove her away. She claims the answer is L has not found out what she wants from life or a relationship yet. I’m not sure if I can be comforted by that statement yet.

My final thought is simple. When faced with this situation, there is only one question worth asking, “What is more important: the past or the person?” For me, I found the answer too late. Don’t make the same mistake.

Never a Time by Genesis

“It’s so sad that a love so strong has gone.”

#7: Reframe

I am so angry. I am so hurt. I am…

so cutting that paragraph off or I’d spend 300 words listing all my conflicting emotions. I think she said it best:

“I don’t want to be with you. Please respect that. We have gone through a lot of difficult times together and I do not want to linger in the past. We both deserve much better than that and deserve to have happy lives.”

Let me take a moment to be at a loss for words. It won’t last long.

Okay. Looking over my previous posts it seems like I already knew this was coming and had been emotionally prepared so in a way, while it changes everything, it changes nothing. When we reforged our relationship I had committed to making this it with her with no more breakups and make ups. This whole time a little voice in my head had been mentioning to me that I was more committed to this than her, especially considering the circumstances of our getting back together (another Panic Weekend) and her difficulties opening up to some of the therapeutic exercises. When she left this weekend, this was a distinct possibility. I just wish that she had done it with a bit more communication though I can see why she couldn’t.

Our therapist is amazing. These sorts of events are what define the line between average and world class therapist – I called her cellphone at ten-thirty and heard from her by eleven. She then spent a good amount of time helping me with calming down, accepting this, and seeing L’s perspective. I think this ending isn’t about what happened this time but more about the bad residue from the past. After all she’s been through in the year since we broke up last summer she has been through difficult times, including one very unpleasant relationship that I won’t go into. Psychologically she is probably not ready to be with me and possibly not with anyone.

As we dated I watched as she went from loathing this last relationship of hers to idealizing the few nice things he did for her. That was my first major warning sign and now I worry she’ll go back to him. That said, I have no real say in what she does. I just hope that instead of jumping into a potentially dangerous relationship with him that she takes the time she needs to really find herself on her own and see who she is. I had hoped she had done that in the past year, though from talking with our therapist it seems not to be the case.

Of course, I would love it if she had continued jumping into this potentially risky relationship with me. We were both fragile this whole time and I love her enough to respect that she needs space away from this.

The therapist mentions that some couples go through a process of breaking and making up, though she doesn’t think it is the healthiest process. L and I have already recognized the danger in that cycle. So in the future unless we both can clearly commit at the same time to making this work for good, I have been advised to not keep going back and forth with her if she does so. Her willingness to shut me out completely was a warning sign, one I read clearly but did not want to believe. I have to reframe my entire approach to thinking about being with her now.

L- If you’re reading this, I love you. I hope you find the peace of mind you need and I hope you find yourself. I always wanted to be with you even with all the hurt and pain, I was just scared that we couldn’t do it. In a way, I think that is how you may feel now. So while I am hurt, I am not blaming you for this. I hope you find happiness. Be safe.

How trite is that? Too bad it is true.

#6: The Real Panic Weekend Begins

With less than three hours left in the day, I still have not heard from L. The day went smoothly and I had no difficulty resisting the urge to call until a few minutes ago. Now all that feels like it has changed. The logistics of the situation simply make it very hard to believe that if I haven’t heard from her yet that I will today. I want to believe that this will be alright though if she is going to ignore what she said to me about seeing me today, how can I?

This isn’t the first time that such a thing has happened though yesterday really gave me hope. In a moment of panic I called her once, just a few minutes ago, and said something to the effect of, “I’m sorry for interrupting your alone time. I’m just concerned since we were supposed to see each other today. Can you please call me back or send me a message to let me know what is going on?” I’m going to try so hard to limit it to that one message. With all of this fear though, it is going to be a challenge.

Fear by Sarah McLachlan

“But I fear I have nothing to give and I have so much to lose here in this lonely place.”