#15: The Horrible Epiphany of Love

There is a popular quote from the Bible involving the idea of thinking like a child when you are a child and thinking like man when you are a man. When I left L way back in the summer of 2007 I loved her like a child, selfishly. How often did she help with the dishes? Would she come out with my friends?

As I left her, I resolved to be single for a year and to truly experience the life of adult dating I’d never had since we’d been together so long. So I went out and dated. I danced a bit, drank a bit, and acted like a fool. I made some mistakes and then made a few more.

Then I one day I saw her again. I don’t remember the circumstances. I think I was bringing her a cake for her birthday. Maybe it was earlier. Maybe it was later. We sat in the back seat of my car eating a gourmet chocolate creme pie with plastic forks and she told me that I was the only person who gave her a meaningful gift on her birthday. That was when I knew. From that point forward I just had to get comfortable with the idea. Monogamy was a scary thing for me.

A month ago I sat down with her to talk about where we were headed. We’d been on dates but not dating. We’d cuddled all night long and run around with both of our sets of friends. She’d vanished for a few days and come back. We sat on the floor of her bedroom as she told me about her other boyfriend that she had left.

In that moment, I realized it didn’t matter what she’d done or what she’d do. At any point in time in the future, if she changed or if she aged, if all her limbs fell off and I could never make love to her again, no matter what I would always love her. I loved her like a man, by what I could I give to her, instead of like a child, with what she could bring me.

After I left her she tried to tell me but I couldn’t listen, for I was still a child. She’s told me I changed lately in a way she didn’t quite understand. In my time I loved her selfishly and it took those months away from her to realize how to love her selflessly. I wanted couples therapy to show me how to talk to her in the way she deserved and to help me get through my feelings of inadequacy. The biggest change in me was the realization that I can handle just one woman, just one life, that I don’t need the wild single adventure I thought I’d been longing for. The biggest change was the epiphany
of my unconditional love for her, made horrible now that she must go on her own journey without me.