In the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Jim Carrey pays to have a painful relationship scrubbed from his memory but in the middle of the process he realizes the value of those memories and fights inside of his mind to retain any vestige of his time with Kate Winslet. After talking to L extensively this weekend, it feels to me like someone has gone through and thrown mud on every memory we have together. She claims it is me. We spent the day Saturday and a few hours Sunday trying to create sunny memories with some small degree of success.
After L decided that she wanted to be back together and the psychoex was out of the picture, I found myself in the oddest position. Without a doubt I was willing to help her get rid of the psychoex- he is dangerous and she is someone I care about. But now I am faced with picking up the pieces after this debacle and deciding what to do next.
We went to the a park by the river and ate sandwiches while watching oversized squirrels chase each other around the trees. We talked, laughed, smiled, and touched while periodically her or my hurt would spurt up like old faithful. We’re working through each other’s issues but there is a key question I haven’t resolved in my heart- will she respect me over time?
I’ve been reading the Getting Past Your Past posts which all suggests that she will leave me again and that she will have difficulty. The therapist has counseled me to be prepared to enforce my boundaries and insist on both her getting therapy for her issues and respecting me. After all the wrinkles and flip-flopping of the past month, our relationship resembles less a love affair and more a political campaign. It isn’t the way I want to live and I wonder if we can change.
Two key questions really come up:
- Can I trust her after all of changes and mistrust?
- Can we build something happy with the two of us together?
But the real question may actually be do I want to put in the effort. I started this blog a month ago to detail the effort of putting together our relationship through couples therapy and the couples therapist has pointed out that, after all this time, we are starting out at square zero. When we are together and positive I feel wonderful and our wounds seem to be healing, but should that be something to go through?
As much as I long to hold on to the happy memories and focus on the positive, after the choices she made this month I have to protect myself. As one friend said, “It isn’t your love that is in question, it’s the effect it has on your well being.” So I want to follow the day and reach for happiness, yes. But do I do that with her?
Yesterday she told me that, in her mind because of my actions in the fall, I am so much worse than the man I am referring to as psychoex- a controlling, narcissistic fellow with a nasty verbally abusive streak. For whatever reason, perhaps the overlap in time of her seeing both him and I, she has tangled us together in her mind. Until she chooses to sort me from him and realize my positive traits, until she chooses to reach for the bright side and try to work through her happiness I can’t see this going anywhere.
“Reach for the bright side.”
“Follow the day and reach for the sun.”
Light & Day by the Polyphonic Spree
(theme form Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind)
Tags: break up, breakup, couple, couples, dating, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, getting past your past, hurt, issues, jim carrey, kate winslet, love, positive thoughts, psychoex, questions, relationship, relationships, respect, sandwich, squirrel, sun, therapy, wrinkles
